Thursday, 21 October 2010

• After 12 years of "Christianity"... I'm actually getting somewhere! :p

  Ok. So maybe the title is a little dramatic. There is definitely some truth to it though. Because I am sitting here writing this feeling as if I am finally figuring out what it really means to be a Christ follower.

  And oh! I am so far from it! But oh! I am so on the path! :)

  It's been a whirlwind year. I remember praying about eight months ago with all my heart: " Lord, I want t lose my life. I don't want to try and save it. I want to lose my life for your sake. I want the crazy Jesus life. I want all you have for me!"

  Dangerous prayer.

  You see, I had everything set up quite nicely at that point.. I started teaching Kindergarten shortly after, I was leading kids mnistry at my church and loving it, I had an awesome apartment in an awesome location that was all mine with an awesome kitchen I cooked awesome food in and I constantly had friends over. I was a leader in a group at my church and that was great. I was even engaged to a guy who was at Seminary studying God's word! 

  But something was missing. I knew there was more out there. I knew there was more to God than I was expiriencing and I felt like something was blocking me from really going all out.

  So I prayed the prayer. I was done. I was done with superficial Christianity. I wanted to expirience the living God. for realz.

  The guy? Not so much, said he did but didn't mean it. We broke up.

  The church that was my life? God had other plans.

  The apartment I loved? Gone.

  Kindergarten teaching? My boss turned out to be a kook.

   

  Gone. All gone. My life gone.

  As I sat there losing everything I had held on to... something happened. I started to hear God. Like really. Finally!!

  It's hard to describe what happened after because I can honestly say I had nothing to do with it.

  God took over. He took control.

  Next thing I know, I'm hanging out with people that have the same desire I do. It just happened. Next thing I know, I'm becoming friends with someone who is not the kind of person I normally hang out with and it's important to me. Why? I don't know! Next thing I know I am going to conferences.. I just... I just booked it! Something came over me. Next thing I know, I am living with my dad.. and it's actually great. Next thing I know, I sign up for counseling school and it all works out. Finally! Next thing I know, I am best friends with someone who became a huge part of my life and my spiritual walk. Next thing I know, God is using me and speaking to me more and it's amazing.

  Today I sit here after a looong weekend. I had a whole self discovery seminar with my school. I had to do all kinds of stuff like draw a carpet of my life and write a fairytale of my life, etc. etc.

  Then at one point I had to pick two things of all I had brought from my life and write about it. I knew exactly what to pick. A picture of one of my Kindergarten kids and a newspaper (it does go together, ask me sometime. :)). So I started to write. I wrote about how these things inspired me to become a play therapist.

  What I wasn't ready for was the emotion. I'm not an emotional person. It takes a lot to get me to cry and I often think I might be too cold hearted. So the emotions came and I was completely overwelmed at the realization of just how important this is to me. How much I want to do this. How it is my heart.

  After school that evening, I was out with my friend and processing everything and I realized something.

  I didn't plan any of this.

  If you know me, you know I plan. A lot. everything. At least I try to! At least I used to.

  Somehow, in these past three months especially, I stopped planning. I stopped trying to be older than I am. I stopped controlling. It just happened. It's quite miraculous.

  So there I sat in this pub on Saturday night and it hit me. I didn't plan any of this. ANYTHING.

  Absolutely every aspect of my life right now from where I live, to what I work, to where I study, to who my friends are. Every aspect of my life has not been planned by me and divinely ordained by God.

  Despite my bitching (excuse my language, but I really did not take all this change so graciously!) God answered my prayer.

  He chose all of this. And you know what? He knows me SO much better than I know myself! His way is so much better than mine.

  I realized this weekend.. I LIKE my life right now. I know I am right where I am supposed to be.

  Wow. So amazing.

   

  So yeah, getting to the point where God is driving took what? 12 years?

  Dear reader.. listen to me. It's scary as get all, it's quite an adventrue.

  But losing your life? SO worth it! :)

  I dare you, pray the dangerous prayer, mean it.. and see what God does!

   

  hugs,

  <><Mariana><>

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